just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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