The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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