I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
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It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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