sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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