So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Randomize
