Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
