I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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