i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Are we in a gay sports bar?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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