Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
