He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
