Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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