There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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