my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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