Can i not drive my cunt home
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
