Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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