If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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