i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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