You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
cat food counts as protein by the way
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
