plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
