i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
