Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
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