Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
