Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
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they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
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I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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