You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
