Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
