the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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