the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Hippo gnu deer
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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