I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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