i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
