OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
