Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
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Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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