Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
