You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
