five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
