I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
