Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
