I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
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well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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