So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
i've created a new STD.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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