i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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