I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
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he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
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Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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