It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
