Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
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Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
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I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.