I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
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Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
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Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?