I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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