So drunk its hurt
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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