I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY