We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
