I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
