Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
