How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
