I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
