is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
