luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
