I feel great
I just peed on a car
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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