Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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