I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
