apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
