I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
