The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
