when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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