he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
