so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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